Teenagers Thrive From Quality Time With Parents

Do teenagers want to hang out with their parents? The answer may seem obvious…NO!

Yet, in this study released by Susan McHale, a professor of human development at Penn State University, and reported on by U.S. News (Health day News section), the answer may shock you.

While teenagers certainly may want to spend less public time with their parents, they may actually want to spend more private time together. This private time with parents—especially with fathers in this study—is connected with higher self-esteem and social confidence. Here is a quote from the U.S. New article supporting this finding.

The study authors were surprised to discover that when fathers spent more time alone with their teenagers, the kids reported they felt better about themselves. “Mothers weren’t unimportant, but they are kind of a given in most families,” said McHale. “Mothers’ roles are very scripted: they’re caregivers, activity planners.”

Something about the father’s role in the family seemed to boost self-esteem among the teenagers in the study, McHale said. What most differentiated some families from others was how much the dad was typically around and whether he devoted some of that time to be with his children, she explained.

The article is titled “Teens Benefit by Spending More Time with Parents”. While this may sound elementary to some, in our culture it is becoming more and more rare. The normal today is far removed from the 50s sitcom style family. Today the general rule is both parents work and the children follow suite by leading an over-schedulized extracurricular lifestyle. Parents and/or teenagers who spend quality time at home is now the exception, not the rule for the modern family.

So why does “higher self-esteem and social confidence” grow from a healthy relationship between parent and teenager? I believe it is because children model themselves after their parents example. If a teen can look deeply into the example set before them through quality private time, they then have a firm foundation on which to build as they enter into adulthood. They learn who they are better when parents (especially dads) make that relational investment into their children.

So what does this all boil down too? Spend time with your teenager. Even if they say they don’t want to, find time to just be together. It will impact you child immensely as they develop into an adult. Even if they cannot (or dare not) actually say that they want to hang out with you, the chances are it would be beneficial for you both if you would make it a priority to do so.

So plan that getaway. Take a special day off work. Make that intentional effort to connect with your teenager. They need you!

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam

Top 25 Student Ministry Blogs For 2012

So you must take into account that this is just one opinion concerning quality and content of student ministry blogs compiled by Youth Cartel. (If you get 10 pastors together to rank resources you are likely to get 12 opinions.) I post this so all of you who work with teenagers in any capacity will have ample resources to draw from. I listed my top five visited blogs for student ministry HERE, and only 3 of my list made the top 25 by Youth Cartel. So search broadly and you will find many resources from many different traditions and philosophies. Find what works best for you and what fits in with your theology. Most importantly, don’t forget to make the Word of God your standard by which you judge all things.

2012 Rank Name URL 2011 Rank
1 Josh Griffin http://www.morethandodgeball.com/ 1
2 Doug Fields http://dougfields.com 7
3 Mark Oestreicher http://whyismarko.com 2
4 Adam McLane http://adammclane.com 4
5 Jonathan McKee http://www.jonathanmckeewrites.com 10
6 Tim Schmoyer http://studentministry.org 3
7 Fuller Youth Institute http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/ 8
8 Adam Walker Cleaveland http://pomomusings.com/ 6
9 Kurt Johnston http://www.juniorhighministry.com/ 19
10 Youth Specialties http://youthspecialties.com/blog 5
11 Brian Kirk, Jacob Thorne rethinkingyouthministry.com 13
12 youthministry360 youthministry360.com NR
13 Jeremy Zach http://www.reyouthpastor.com 9
14 Greg Stier gregstier.org 16
14 The Youth Cartel http://theyouthcartel.com/blog/ NR
16 Ian MacDonald http://www.youthblog.org 12
17 Walt Mueller http://learningmylines.blogspot.com/ 18
18 Youth Leader Stash youthleaderstash.com NR
19 Chuck Bomar http://www.collegeministrythoughts.com/ NR
20 Rachel Blom http://www.youthleadersacademy.com NR
21 Mike King http://king.typepad.com/mike_king/ 17
21 Jake Bouma http://www.jakebouma.com/ NR
23 Kenda Creasy Dean http://kendadean.com/ 20
24 Matt McGill http://lovegodlovestudents.com NR
25 Terrace Crawford http://terracecrawford.com/ 19

Do You Know What Your Teen Is Doing Online?

The internet provides unparalleled access to information and communication for our generation compared to all the rest of history. Yet with the world at our fingertips there are dangers to beware. This is especially true for teenagers who lack the discernment and maturity of an adult, yet who have more interaction and access to the web with the rise of mobile devices.

In a recent release called “The Digital Divide”, McAfee Software Company revealed insights from their study of teen online behavior and parental knowledge.

The statistics make us rethink our perception:

  • On average, teens spend about five hours a day online, while parents think their kids spend two hours a day online.
  • 43% of teens intentionally access simulated violence online (only 15% of parents are aware)
  • 32% of teens intentionally access nude content or porn online (only 12% of parents are aware)
  • 12% of teens met with someone in person that they met online (4% of parents are aware of this)
  • 70% of teens have hidden their online behavior from their parents
  • 50% of teens would actually change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching

Ignorance is not bliss. This is not an issue that parents should ignore. This is the age we live in and we must be responsible in it.

This was a crazy statistic. Half of teens claimed they would actually change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching. The key for parents is to find healthy ways to facilitate transparency with their kids without becoming overbearing.

One healthy step in which parents can facilitate this transparency is by engaging their teenager in ongoing dialogue about their online habits. Parents can set up both responsibility and accountability for online behavior. Youth leaders can also provide a safe environment for students to disclose what they’re really doing online.

As students head back to school, how are you talking with them about their online lives?

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam

The Lifebook Movement

Here is a great FREE resource for student ministries everywhere! (and the price is right, eh?) The Lifebook Movement is an effort to get the bible in the hands of every High School Student in the nation. This is a product of Gideon’s International and contains:

  • An Old Testament Recap
  • The Gospel of John
  • Interactive Student Questions and Comments
  • A Challenge to Trust Jesus Christ

To receive a free packet of 1000 Lifebooks only requires an online registration and a (suggested no-mimimum) love offering. Our student ministry has organized and participated in a “saturation” in the past and I fully recommend yours doing the same. What is more effective than getting God’s Word in the hands of teenagers in your area? By handing out these compact little books, your students become “gift-givers” rather than preachers or intrusive as they learn to share their faith. Here is specific link for Youth Leaders with quick video describing how to get involved.

Isaiah 55:10-11 speaks of how God’s Word is always effective. What an awesome promise!

“The rain and snow come down from the heavens
and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
producing seed for the farmer
and bread for the hungry.
It is the same with My Word.
    I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
and it will prosper everywhere I send it.”

Check out the informative video below and see if you want to get plugged in! 

Go get ’em!

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam

My Heart Christ’s Home – Robert Boyd Munger

***note: free resource at the bottom of this article.

Today I am in packing mode. We are moving into our newly purchased home. If you have been there yourself, you understand what I am in the middle of. Therefore, I will keep it short.

Before all the packing began we bought our home and decided to fix a few things up before moving in. We have put in new countertops, floors, light fixtures, just to name a few. All this work on our home reminded me of a great little devotional book I read back when I was a teenager. My Heart, Christ’s Home.

This booklet was introduced to me at a time when I was growing by leaps and bounds in my spiritual life. Munger compares our heart to the layout of a home. He walks us through each “room” of our heart and discusses the implications of having Jesus taking up residence there. In the living room we prepare to meet Christ daily. In the dining room we examine together what appetites should and should not control us. We even explore the closets in our lives that Christ can help us clean out.

Munger’s practical yet profound booklet helps you give Christ control over all of your life. I did a little bit of internet hunting and found locations for this resource.

Download the PDF of this great booklet for free HERE, or buy printed copies in a 5 pack for cheap HERE. Everyone should take the time to read through this and perform some self examination.

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam

The Response That Was Left Unsaid: This Is How Hate Sounds

This powerful fictional letter written by David Murray, of HeadHeartHand.org and PRT Seminary, is one of the best examples of love communicated to a homosexual son I have seen. Unfortunately, the fictional letter was preceded by an actual letter of father disowning his son. Read all the way to the end and see the differences.

The best line, worthy of being quoted: “I hope you will not call this message hate. This is how love sounds.”

Check out the original article here.

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Five years ago, Redditor RegBarc ”came out” to his father. Shortly afterwards, his dad disowned him in a handwritten letter which RegBarc shared with the world on Tuesday, adding the comment: “This is how hate sounds.”

James:

This is a difficult but necessary letter to write.

I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of our times together, but that is all in the past.

Don’t expect any further conversations with me. No communications at all.

I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house.

You’ve made your choice, though wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle.

If you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand.

Have a good birthday and good life.

No present exchanges will be accepted.

Good bye, Dad

As I find it hard to believe that a true Christian would ever write such a letter, I’ve drafted a letter that I hope a Christian father would write (although I’m sure we all hope we’ll never have to write it).

My dear James,

I’d rather say this man-to-man and face-to face, and I hope I will have a chance to do so soon. However, to avoid misunderstanding, and to ensure that you have something in black and white you can keep and refer to, I want to make sure you know one thing: I love you, and I always will. I do not hate you, and I never will.

Our relationship will probably change a bit as a result of your chosen lifestyle, but my love for you will never change. I will continue to seek your very best, as I have always done. In fact, I will probably, by prayer and other practical means, seek your good as I’ve never done before.

Maybe you’ve been afraid that I will reject you and throw you out of my life. I want you to know that you will always be welcome in our family home. Text, email, phone regularly. I certainly will. We’d especially love you to come home for birthdays and for other special occasions. I hope we can continue to go fishing together and to share other areas of our lives.

Your male friend may also visit our home with you, but we will need to discuss certain boundaries. For example, I can’t allow you to share a room or a bed together when you are here, and I will not allow open displays of affection for one another, especially in front of the other children. If you stay with us, you will attend family devotions, and if you are with us on a Sunday, you will come to church with us to hear the Gospel.

Perhaps these boundaries are not going to be easy for you to accept, but please try to understand that I have a duty to God to lead my home in a God-glorifying manner. Psalm 101 commands me to prevent sinful behavior in my home. While extremely anxious to preserve a relationship with you, I am especially concerned that your siblings are not influenced into thinking your lifestyle is fine with God or us.

I know that you don’t like me calling your lifestyle and sexual practices a sin. However, remember I’ve always told you that I myself am a great sinner, but I have an even greater Savior. I hope the day will come when you will seek that great Savior for yourself. He can wash us snow-white clean. He is also able to deliver us from the bondage of our lusts and from everlasting damnation.

I will not bring up your sin and the Gospel every time we meet, but I do want you to know where I stand right up front, and also that I’m willing to speak with you about the Gospel of Christ anytime you wish.

I hope you will not call this message hate. This is how love sounds.

I will always be your Dad. And you will always be my son.

As I will never stop loving you, I will never stop praying for you.

With all my love,

Dad (Ps. 103:13).

 

4 Overlooked Back-to-School Thoughts

Today most of the students in my ministry are headed back to school. Man, how the summer flies by. Now the harsh reality of early alarm clocks and homework deadlines are crashing in. Here are four thoughts as we all re-adjust to the school routine. (this blog is equally for parents as it is for students.)

1.) Be Thankful! –  I know what you are thinking…”he has got to be kidding”. Well no, I’m not. Here is why. “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Maybe your schedule is not perfect, student. Perhaps the teachers aren’t doing exactly the method of instruction you would prefer, parents. Be thankful. We are incredibly blessed to live in a nation that, according to the UN, has a 99% literacy rate. We are blessed to have access to science labs and football fields and musical instruments and art supplies and computer technology. These are luxuries that most of the world does not enjoy. It is nothing but God’s grace to be born in a nation and live in a community with so much abundance, and we should not mistake these gifts for entitlements.

2.) Don’t complain or criticize. – In our culture of blame shifting and entitlement can be the norm, but Christians are called to a higher standard. Parents, help your student recognize that teachers and principles are authorities over them, people God had placed over them, and they helped us learn how to live under authority. Please, parents, I urge you not join in your child’s complaints about the science teacher being too hard or the history teacher being dumb. Instead, lead your child to obey God’s command to pray for those who are in authority over us, to desire their good. Our teachers, support staff, and administrators need and want our prayers, I assure you.

Paul writes, “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world…” (Philippians 2:14-15) Wow. Don’t miss the awesome truth here. When we can stop our complaining, we set ourselves apart from the rest of the world. We shine the light of Jesus in this dark world of need. Is that something worth compromising because you think a teacher gave an unfair grade? Probably not. Speaking of grades, though…

3.) Focus on character more than grades. – Students, you should do your very best on all your school work. “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). And, “whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward” (Colossians 3:23-24). Yes, you can do algebra to the glory of God. How? By doing your best. Learning MLA formatting for your research paper may seem pointless, but learning to follow instructions down to the level of fine details is invaluable. The great truth of that verse in Colossians says that when we work for the Lord we are not working for a grade, but for the promised inheritance that is ours in Jesus!

Now parents, remember that your child doing his or her best does not necessarily mean that she will get an A. As you encourage your children to excel, encourage them along biblical principles. The Bible says nothing about GPAs and class rankings. The Bible does speak about working hard, but also serving others, building relationships, and learning to rest. Parents be cautious not to push your child so hard for making the grade or the starting line-up that it hurts the kid’s development as a disciple of Jesus. You want your child not only to learn a good work ethic, but you also want your child to learn when to put people ahead of tasks. It is your responsibility, parents, to help them navigate these waters.

4.) Open your mouth and talk about Jesus. St. Francis of Assisi has a brilliant quote that is often taken in the completely wrong way. He said, “Preach the gospel always, and when necessary use words.” causing some people to stop talking about Jesus. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had someone fall to their knees, repent of their sins, and trust in Jesus by looking at my lifestyle alone. Words are always, always, always necessary for people to come to know Jesus. “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ” (Romans 10:17).

Students, share your faith in Jesus. Talk about what you are learning from Him. Tell people about your hope in Him; do it with a smile. Trust me, students, there will come a time in life when you will not have the opportunities for sharing the gospel that you have today. Eight hours a day, five days a week for nine months you get to walk through life with the same group of people. Don’t let that pass you by without creating friendships and sharing the message of God’s love in Jesus Christ.

Parents, pray with your kid every day for God to give you both an opportunity at some point to talk about what Jesus has done on the cross, how He has been raised from the dead, how He reigns now as King of the universe and King of your life. Tell them about your struggles to share the gospel at work, and listen to their struggles to do the same thing at school. Encourage one another in this great task. In doing so, you start developing a relationship beyond parent-child; you start relating as brothers and sisters in Christ.

I pray this is a great school year. I pray that teachers, support staff, and administrators are given wisdom, discernment, and passion from God to do what they’ve been called to do. And I pray that Christian students and parents — and all the rest of us for that matter — will take the light of the gospel, the hope of Christ, with us from every home, into every classroom, down every hallway, through every office, to the ends of the earth!

5 Things Student Pastors Can’t Fully Teach from a Stage

Is your teaching/preaching effective? Great. But even with the most dynamic teacher on stage every week, teenagers still learn more through seeing who you really are and how you really live.

Here are my thoughts on 5 things student pastors can’t fully teach from a stage, but MUST teach with their lives.

  1. A Genuine Love for the Word:  If you don’t genuinely love the scripture, your teenagers will see straight through your lame attempts. If you gush scripture at every opportunity, they will see that too. Teach how to memorize and cherish God’s word to your students, not by telling them to do such, but by memorizing and cherishing it yourself! A group will never exceed the level of their leader. Learn to cherish the bible of yourself and watch your group follow suite.
  2. A Real Love for People:  When you interact with students outside your cozy youth room, what example do you set for the teens watching your every move? Set the standard by loving the unlovable. Teach by example by genuinely being concerned for others and pushing your group to do the same.  How impactful would it be if while pumping gas in route on a youth trip, you took a teen aside gave them some money and told them to go inside the store and pay for the gas of that frazzled single mom on the next pump over? I feel confident saying, your leadership in that moment would permanently change that teenager! Take the lead! Really love people!
  3. Be Humble and Teachable:  Admit it! We aren’t perfect. When you mess up, the opportunity has arisen to show how a real follower of Christ owns up to their mistakes and makes biblical steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation.  By modeling humility and a teachable heart you will show a generation that is saturated with pride how a real Christians should act. These moments are not fun, but gain you great respect by responding in a mature and biblical manner. By living a life of humility you will earn the right to speak to teenagers in their moments of need.
  4. Have an Imitable Faith:  The way you handle your faith should be possible for teenagers to put into practice in their own lives. Hebrews 13:7 says, “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” As teens watch the way you live, do they see the fundamentals of faith in a way that makes it clear what they should be doing? Do they see you praying? Do they see you correctly handling the scripture? Do they see a love for talking about Jesus? Make your faith a model for them to follow! Don’t cheat them into thinking it’s about degrees on the wall or charisma on the stage? Not all people will have those. But all can love Jesus in a practical, everyday way. Are you and I showing that way?
  5. True Loyalty in a Fickle Generation:  Teenagers need to see stability modeled. In a culture with 50+% divorce rate sometime that is not seen at home. Be the model of how to love your spouse. Be the model on supporting your senior pastor. Remember (and use) a teenager’s name the next time you see them after their first visit. Show your group that some things are truly important in life and it goes way beyond your favorite sports team. Longevity in youth ministry is a rare thing. I’ve heard it said that the best ministry comes after 6 years. When every student in your ministry is a product of your teaching alone you will see the fruit of your labor! Hang in there. Be loyal to what God has called you to.

Praying you will teach these things and more to the teenagers in your area of influence.

Your fellow worker in the field,  Adam

How Teens View Social Media

Interesting lessons within this graphic…from my perspective:

  • Even after the admission of most teens being “addicted” to thier social media devices teens still prefer face to face contact. This tells me that no matter how many texts or FB messages I send, that personal contact is the only way to build deep meaningful relationships. The texts and other stuff can supplement that or be convenient, but without face to face time you will never get to really know a teenager.
  • Facebook is dominate. I think this is because of the combination of messages, photos/video uploads, status updates, and the infamous “like” button. Facebook has it all. But be warned, what you put on FB will be seen. No matter how deep in some obscure album that picture is, someone will comment on your behavior or associates. People do read into status updates and know what you have been saying on FB. Just as in all of life we must guard our integrity on FB and live in a way not to bring shame to ourselves and our God!
  • Teens (really, all of us) need a break from social media sometimes! We need to encourage teenagers (and ourselves) to unplug once in a while and spend some undistracted time alone. Preferably with God. Remember that verse, “be still and know that I am God”. It is getting harder and harder to be still in our media driven culture. Take some time everyday to reflect and unplug and allow yourself not to be a slave to social media, and encourage this in teens in your lives.
  • Social Media highlights the insecurities of some girls and adds pressure to be perfect. 57% of girls feel left out after seeing photos of friends without them, 45% of girls worry about others posting “ugly” pictures of them online, 28% of girls have edited photos of themselves before posting it online. These stats reinforce the truth that we need to guard our daughters hearts! While it is also true for the guys, it is crucial for the girls. We need to train them that they will only truly be satisfied in Jesus Christ and His love for them, everything else will fall short. We need to constantly be saying and living the fact that true beauty comes from within. We need to remind them that Psalms 139 says we were “fearfully and wonderfully made” in exactly the way God intended, and God doesn’t make mistakes! The Gospel tells girls (and everyone) that God loves us despite our imperfections and has made a way for us to have the one relationship that will truly satisfy us. The Gospel proves that we are priceless in the eyes of God! He sent His perfect Son as a sacrifice for us. And because of Jesus’ victory over death we can overcome all things!

These are the times we live in. We need to see our culture through the lens of the Gospel of Jesus, and social media is no exception. Social media is a great tool, but like any tool, it can be used to build up or tear down. I strive to be biblical in all that I do, even in how I interact with social media.

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam

Student Ministry Road Trips: 5 Underestimated Benefits!

Today I am loading up the vans and cars and taking a group of teenagers and chaperones to an amusement park. Yes, it’s a lot of work to organize the rental vehicles, contact group sales for the discount, plan our meals, find chaperones…yada yada yada. Is it worth it?

I sat down to think about that very thing. My conclusion was… yes. While we are not engaging in deep bible study or conducting service project I believe there is value in the fun times. God created us for fellowship, both with Him and with each other. So what are some of the benefits of a well run, smoothly executed day trip off somewhere with a group of teenagers? Here are my thoughts:

  1. Building Group Unity – A very real aspect of living the christian life is to live it within community of other believers. This is no different with teenagers. They need each other. In fact, teenagers seek out and and hunger for that social side of life more than adults! As a ministry we need to provide opportunities for our participants to really get to know one another and begin to love one another. By this love unbelievers will know that we are for real in our faith. As a group shares experiences together they bond in special ways. They develop an identity. I’ve heard a hard nosed football coach say “the team that pukes together stays together”. I believe the principle of that is the same for positive experiences. You want a cohesive student ministry that gels and sticks together through the years, provide ample opportunities for shared experiences. Build unity through action: Do stuff together!
  2. Earning Respect of Parents – With each trip you take, parents will begin to see that you are a responsible leader. (…assuming things go smooth and you really are responsible.) They will also see that you really love those kids. With every trip you will build respect and trust with the parents. All student ministers need to remember that we are working with the most precious things in these parents lives! Prove that you take that responsibility seriously. Behind every successful student ministry are parents that really buy into what is happening.
  3. Individual Relationship Building – When you go on a trip together, not only does your whole group bond, you have opportunity to deepen those relationships with individuals. Students need to know you care for them. When you sit down next to a teenager and relive “that time you lost your phone on the roller coaster” or “when GPS got possessed by the Devil and…” your relationships will soar to that next level. They know you and trust you. Only then will they be willing to come to you when the hard times hit. Create environments to really get to know students. That can’t happen from a pulpit.
  4. Antidote to Apathy – When the stats for hours per day spent on gaming or internet browsing are staggering, going on a trip together is just the thing we need to spark some interest! Show the teens in your area that you are up to SOMETHING! Most of the time teenagers will get into trouble simply because they had nothing better to do. Fight the apathy in those teenagers you have influence on, go on some trips!
  5. The Front Door of our Ministry – Lets face it. Most friends get invited to an activity before they come to a bible study or the small group setting. These activities are open doors to meet the other teenagers in the group, meet the adult leader, all in a neutral setting. If you INTENTIONALLY use your events as a way to gain prospects for your regular programming you can gather some good intel! Take it for what its worth.

So I plan regular trips to get out of the normal routine and just be together. We are living life together. When we share the good times it makes it easier to get real and share the bad time too.

Pray that I don’t lose my cookies on the coaster. 🙂

Your fellow worker in the field, Adam